This one is for my Fifi.
...against all odds.
The past few weeks went by with such a blinding speed that I struggled to keep my head above water and catch my breath. And in this breathless transition, I know I am heading for uncharted waters.
No. On a second thought, this place is too familiar. This known ambiance; the look, the feeling, the scent; I know them like the back of my hand. But somewhere along a fine grid, there is this strange ambiguity. It is beyond me why I feel so foreign and so unorthodox to be here; why I feel so lost when I can see myself heading a definite path.
Maybe it's the staggering potency of guilt that threatens to intoxicate my conscience and poison my being. Maybe it's the fear of being ostracized and stereotyped or perhaps the unwarranted plight to the unconventional that made me doubt my discretion. But no, I made up my mind and I refuse to neither listen nor give in to the dreadful voices of terror and reason for I know I made the right choice. And although others would say that my decision showed an utter lack; if not; total absence of rational judgement, I am certain of my choice.
Let them condemn me and scorn me for my avaricious endeavor but this is what I have to say; I would not let anyone deter me or lead me away from something that I know would make me happy. And no matter how wrong or how selfish people would think I am, I am ready to turn my back to the ruthless mockery and shameless hypocrisy of the pretentious and deceiving society I thought I knew. I am ready to inhibit and abandon what is left of me and my pride if it means liberation from the oppressive and misleading bigotry of those who claim to be high and mighty.
Do not let me explain; do not let me justify my choice to go against logical reason and morality for my lips are sealed. I do not expect to be understood. Nothing necessitates an explanation. Sometimes, you do not need to think. All you have to do is just let fate take its course and just go with the flow.
With all honesty, I do not know how and why I got myself in this situation. I do not know how things will be from now on or how they would turn out to be in the end. But to this, I am sure; I am willing to take the risk and the burden that goes with it yet again. I may have fallen hard before, but I've learned my lessons well and now, I am strong enough to make my stand.
People may find this hard to believe and they may look down on me for this; but if it will take a Herculean effort to stand for what I believe in, then I will surpass Zeus's supremacy or I shall die trying. And if I have to be like Atlas and carry the weight of my decision on my own bare shoulders, then be assured that there will be no fragile bone in my body; there will be no room for cowardly weakness. I will not crumble for in his hands, I have strength and in his eyes is where I shall draw my courage.
I am not proud of what I did. It's a shame that I have to resort into doing something so hurtful and horrible. Believe me; I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to begin my apology. My humble words are not enough to express and properly articulate how sorry I am for the pain that I have caused. No one is to be blamed; not even the circumstances. I have only myself to be castigated for what had transpired. I am truly sorry and I deeply regret having to put someone in such an excruciating situation. Know that I never wish for anyone to experience such a terrible misfortune. But everything has been said and done. And as egotistical as it may seem, I do not want to turn back time and undo everything.
They say that there is no happy ending for something that started on a wrong track. Perhaps they are right. But I dare say that even mistakes have redemption. If in the end this will turn out to be hideous and painful, then I guess it's the price I should pay for my defiance and selfishness; a small price I'm willing to pay for such a wonderful decadence, nonetheless. And no matter what the future shall hold, I would like to look back at this exact moment and tell myself that I have finally found the spine to stand up and fight for something so beautiful even if it's not the righteous of things; that I did not walk out on something that is worth taking the risk and the sacrifice. Because I know that turning my back on him is something I do not wish to live with for the rest of my life.
With my head held high, I shall say this with no remorse; I am ready to face the consequences of my actions. I am ready to hold his hand and face the uncertainty of tomorrow. I stand by my words, by my decision, by him, by us. If this makes me the bad person, then so be it. Whatever is wrong with following your heart, I'd rather be wrong and be true to myself than to be right and lie to the rest of the world.
If this is what fate destined me to do; where I am destined to be, then let him be my utopia. Let this be my perfectly flawed world.
