Dear You,

Good Day!

Let me begin this letter by telling you that I have seen people shot dead in different parts of their anatomy and I'd say it’s not a wonderful sight to begin your day with or a fantastic scenario before you eat your favorite meal at lunch. I never actually heard a gun get fired while aimed at someone before but I bet the sound it would make is loud, haunting and pure evil. With that in mind, it gives me a creep to walk in the streets at night, sit next to an odd looking man getting God-knows-what from his oversized jacket or even stay close to a freaky looking police officer with a weapon in hand. But what gives me a hell lot of scary shit is giving my heart to you.

I have never been a participant in the sick and twisted games that people play. The mind games that would wreck your mental stability, the cat and mouse chase of predator and prey, and the jigsaw puzzle of truths and lies makes me uneasy and nauseous. Seeing and observing people playing and being played drains the crap out of me. It’s a hideous and repulsive gladiator fight that wrenches my gut. Hence, I never wish to be one of the participants in any of the categories that needy, selfish and ego centric people play. However, it seems like or it feels like I am now a direct competitor in one of the games I happen to loathe.

I never had an entirely good idea as to how I ended up in this blurry and murky situation. I despise things that are out focus. They make me feel dizzy and blind as to what the truth might have been. It’s like seeing a complicated illusion and when you finally figured things out, you end up bitten by a damn king cobra or worse, being shot dead through the heart just because you were too freaking slow to think.

You must know that my heart is not bulletproof. It is vulnerable, mushy and fragile. And I'm damn too afraid to hand it over to you. You can’t blame me for that. I have seen my fair share of heartbreaks that it makes me want to guard everything essential to me.

Tell me, if I am to hand you my heart will you take good care of it? Or will you just make it an easy target in a shooting range? You see, I am not some random stranger you pick up in a bar or you flirt with in some godforsaken alcohol and weed place. I am me. And most importantly, I have feelings that get hurt with just a single defiling act that you would do. I don't do those death defying and injury prone circus stunts where you bound a woman in a circular wood board while a man in blindfold throws knives at her or that thingy when you put an apple in a guy's head while another guy in blindfold fires away his crossbow towards that red and luscious fruit. Oh no. I do not take risks such as those.

Man, if it’s not too much to ask, please stop whatever obnoxious plot you plan on doing to my heart. Unless of course if you plan on safekeeping it, then be my guest. And please, for the love of God, be sick of the games that nasty people play. Haven't you had enough of it? Nonetheless, if you still feel like you are no different from those needy, selfish and ego centric men and you are actually convinced that I can be an easy game to you; then please spare me and the thought of putting me in a hunting ground where you'll be the hunter and I am obviously the prey. I am not up for any challenge such as that. Hell, I'm not even good at running away and hiding. So please, just please, spare me and my heart.

Xoxo.

Me

A Pried Realization

I was in a public utility vehicle that day when I heard the woman beside me answer her phone. And because my phone's battery was dead and the still silence of the vehicle is beginning to irritate me, I can't help but eavesdrop to the on-going conversation. It seemed like a quarrel over a broken relationship. And it seemed to me that things are getting way too personal as the woman was in the brink of tears. I know its bad to continue extending my ears to the conversation. Its crossing the boundaries of someone else's privacy, but I can't help it! The woman was sitting right next to me! How could I resist listening to what she was saying? So anyway, I was trying to look nonchalant while keeping my sensitive ears to the matter.

As the conversation went on, I was able to gauge the kind of person the woman was talking to on the other line. A sadistic selfish liar who cheats for his past time and hurt the woman as a hobby. What a sorry excuse for a person. A low-lying scumbag who deserves a good beating, castration and mutilation! That was how pathetic he is and from what I have heard; "a spawn of Satan" according to a "reliable" source. Imagine that for a boyfriend huh? If I was the woman I'd probably get my hands dirty and stained by his blood and body parts.

And because traffic was heavy, I have heard more from the conversation. The woman was obviously angry at what the man was telling her. Apparently, he wanted her back but she can't be fooled by any of his sweet talk anymore. I hid a smile as my eyes met that of the driver's. See, I wasn't the only one listening. That took some weight on my conscience. Anyway, the woman kept on ranting and rumbling words, curses and more foul words to the person at the other end of the line. I'm glad the woman realized her worth and had enough of the man's hideous and repulsive manner. But the next thing that she said was what surprised me. Her words were simple but it stayed on my mind for days!

"I'm glad you dumped me. I would not have found him." Plain, simple, head-on, tough statement coming from a person relieved of a humongous burden. A person who just found the perfect half of her heart. And from that I remembered a person who swallowed her pride for a certain someone who doesn't even know her worth. She must have been blinded by that stormy infatuation thing. It wasn't love. It wasn't anything close to love. It was just pure, primal and perhaps animalistic admiration to the opposite sex. No more, no less. What a fool had she been. Letting herself be caught off guard and wore her heart in her sleeves! At least now she knew it wasn't love that she felt for the man. It was just a sweeping tide of childish crush for now she met someone who deserves her attention and affection. But she learned that one must not dive head first into doubtful situation. Experienced taught her that. Maybe she'd just take the risk with an ample amount of care and courage. One step at a time as the song goes and maybe that's what she'll do. Just take one step at a time.

I never knew what happened to the woman. Or how her conversation ended. But one thing is for sure. She deserves to have that bitter satire aimed at that man. And I on the other hand, deserve my peace to move-on and forget the person whom I thought was the person who "evoked an entirely different emotion in me". (If you know what I mean ^_^ ) Now I can say I was wrong. It wasn't him. It was someone else. And let me quote that passenger when she said; "I'm glad you dumped me. I would not have found him." For in the end, she damn said it best.

Insomnia

Its 3 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. Its really unlikely of me to stay up late, especially in the wee hours of the morning. They say 3 am is the time of the dead. They say 3 is a magical number. But whatever version they say about the number's significance, it has a different connotation for me. An unlikely meaning I suppose since I have never succumb to such strange thing before.

Its 3 in the morning and I'm listening to love songs. Foolish of me huh? I thought so too. I mean, who in the hell stays up this late and just listen to love lullabies? But its strange, do you wanna know why? I don’t care if you're not interested. I'll tell you anyway. I find comfort and peace in listening to these fanciful melodies. Weird. I'm usually a sucker for trance, house mixes, dance, a little bit of hip-hop, pop and RnB. Never did love songs topped my hit charts. But here I am, listening to Adelle, Gabrielle, Michelle Branch and Reo Speed Wagon among others in my playlist. I even listen to the Jonas Brother's Love Bug! How is that for a sudden and not to mention unusual change of genre?

Its 3 in the morning and I'm waiting, half-expecting and crossing my fingers. With my wide-eyed consciousness, I patiently linger as the clock make its usual "Tick-tock" chant marking the slow progression of time praying to the All Mighty that somehow and in some "cosmic" way; I cross someone's mind and he'd immediately hit the call button in his phone while a calling sign is above my name or my number. Bizarre. I don't really expect someone to remember me, much more; phone me in the sleepiest hour of the early morning.

Its 3 in the morning and I guess the term daydreaming is appropriate for its already morning, I'm wide awake and I'm actually staring at the four walls of the room I'm currently occupying. I got tired of the ceiling so I switched to the walls for a change of scenery. As if the walls mattered to the things that I have in my head. Dreams, fantasies, conundrums and anything in between. Peculiar? I'd say; "YES!"

Its 3 in the morning and I am actually planning things I don't think a normal person would even consider at my age, my status and my financial capability. Odd. How would an unemployed, fresh graduate happily plan things such as family and kids? Wise, mentally adequate, normal and practical people would have planned a future involving career paths, professional growth and pecuniary stability.

Its 3 in the morning and I am worrying about things I shouldn't worry about. Creases in my forehead speak of "what ifs" that continuously rotate the 360 degree axis of jealousy, distance, women, time, heartbreaks, fights, incompatibility, pain and trust. How unconventional of my brain to amass nuerons and function in this state.

Its 3 in the morning and I'm about to shatter the walls of doubt and fear. I am about to make an eccentric admission of what I thought was just another phony idea of something intangible. I have encountered this thing in a lot but various circumstances already or so I thought. I have seen right through it, seen it in shallow waters, seen the broadest picture not even bothering to halt and view the specifics. If it was a rattle snake, it would have been delighted to take its poisonous bite and kill me in an instant without me noticing. What an idiot could I have been? And although what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, will this make me half as strong as I was before I have known its truest nature? I can’t answer concretely. All I could just say is; "Let kismet decide."

Its 3 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. Its really unlikely of me to stay up late, especially in the wee hours of the morning. They say 3 am is the time of the dead. They say 3 is a magical number. But whatever version they say about the number's significance, it has a different connotation for me. An unlikely meaning I suppose since I have never succumb to such strange thing before. An outlandish acceptance of love and not just the mere idea of love.

Things I'll Never Say

It all started with a question and my heart started to beat like it has never knew how before. I never believe in "Love at first sight" heck, it was never really "LOVE" in the first place but, I could never bring my intelligent and conscious mind into thinking as to what I feel, how I feel and why I felt this unknown emotion. Everything before you was fine, it was even normal. I was contented with the monotonous flow of my life, until you. You were like the ecstasy of methamphetamine to a neophyte, stranger to a new kind of high. And just like any other addiction, I can never get enough of you; literally.

I look forward to seeing you everyday. Your smile, your "quasi" laugh (I can never tell if your laughing your heart out or if you're being sarcastic or if you're just faking it), your eyes that captivates mine, your glance that frozen my stares, your "lost in translation" statements, your "buffering" moments and your humble remarks stops me dead in my tracks. You were an entirely different person that evoked an entirely different emotion in me. You’re a craving that I could never satisfy.

But I guess what you thought you knew is as deadly as a snake's venom. Marami na nga ang namamatay sa maling akala, isa na ako dun. Buti nga ang bocha dalawang beses lang namatay eh. Pero ako, it felt like I died a million times.

And no matter what I do, I know I can never be her. I am me. Plain and overrated, simple and complex, spontaneous and predictable. And you know what, I am willing to offer you the love that she can't give. Mamahalin kita kahit na mahal mo 'sya. I'll love you despite of who you are. I'm willing to love you even if I know I'll end up hurting and empty-handed. At kahit ganyan ka, tanggap kita. You would never have to pretend that your somebody else when you're with me.

Sana lang you had the chance to realize this thing that I felt for you. I tried telling you naman di ba? But the time ran out for me. Naubos na ang buhangin sa hourglass. Its over. And now that we're just mere strangers to each other, I hope that one day when we see each other in a corridor, a hallway, a park, a museum or an elevator, I hope that we would have a new beginning kahit friends lang. Malay mo di ba??

Kasi patuloy pa rin akong umaasa.

At patuloy akong aasa.

Star Player

Kung sa tingin mo I'd go for the REBOUND, nagkakamali ka.

Kung sa tingin mo, isa ako sa mga RESERVE PLAYERS mo, maling-mali ka.

Dahil sa totoo, MASAYA na ako at hinding-hindi na kita pag-uukulan pa ng pansin.

Dati hinihiling ko na sana ako na lang, na sana akin ka na lang. Pero hindi ba't isang kahibangan ang maghangad ng isang bagay na alam mong hindi talaga mapapasayo? Naalala ko pa yung mga panahon kung kelan inuudyukan ako ng kung ano mang pwersa sa mundo upang gawin ang lahat para mapansin mo lang. Ginawa ko naman lahat pero siguro sadyang manhid ka lang o di kaya'y mas gusto mo lang talaga siya. Sa kahit anong paraan man, ako pa rin ang talunan. Gusto kong magalit, gusto kong maiingit pero may magagawa ba yun? Bagkus, itinago ko na lang ang lahat sa biro, tawa at ngiti kahit may parte sa aking buong pagkatao na nagsusumamong pakinggan at pansinin. Ngunit sadyang ganoon talaga ang buhay hindi ba? Minsan bigla mo na lang nakikita ang sarili mo na nakakulong sa isang tatsulok kung saan hindi mo man lang maaninag ang pag-asa. Siguro sa gulong ng palad, nasa ilalim ako pero hahayaan ko lang bang nasa ilalim na lang ako lagi? Aba sinuswerte ka naman ata. Natuto na ako. Hindi habambuhay eh aasa ako na balang araw eh mapansin mo din ako. Bakit kita pag-uukulan ng pansin gayong ni kakarampot na pagtingin para sa akin eh wala ka? Hindi ba't isang kahangalan naman iyon? Isang kalabisan sa bugso ng damdamin? Kung ihahalintulad ko ang sitwasyon natin nagyon sa isang laro, nakikinita kong Basketball ang naaangkop para sa ating dalawa. 'Yun nga lang ikaw sa Team A at ako'y kabilang sa kuponan ng kalaban.

At ito ang iyong pakakatandaan. Hindi ko kinukuha ang REBOUND. Para lamang iyon sa mga tangang patuloy pa ring umaasa. At mas lalong hindi ako isang RESERBANG manlalaro. Dahil para lamang iyon sa mga masokistang hangal.

Ako ang STAR PALYER. Ako ang MVP. Ako ang kumukontrol sa laro.