I used to wonder how it would feel like when you're about to lose a battle. Now, I know how it would feel. The feeling of hopelessness and surrender eats you alive until you start to feel cold and numb and broken. Yet, somehow you'd still want to see even the tiniest speck of hope to continue the fight amidst the shadow of darkness. But no matter how hard you strive, no matter how you keep holding on to that fragment of optimism, you know very well you'd be defeated.
I can never understand how a person endures so much. I can never fathom the reason why he would still stand his ground and never surrender. A rational being would have give it all up, pick up the pieces, move on and live life as if nothing ever happened. I guess some battles are not won by military strategies and combat tactics. Some battles are not fought with brute strength or intelligence. Sometimes, it is won by waving the white flag and letting it all go.
I'm not certain if I'm ready to loosen my grip and give up the fight. I don't know if it is still worth the struggle. But the thought of loosing you is an agony I couldn't bear. Just the mere thought of it breaks my spirit. I remember not so long ago, there were nights when I would just watch you sleep and think about what lies ahead of us. It would have been great if we're bound for a happy ending but something in me knew then that we're falling down a cliff. I knew this day would come but it’s too soon, much too soon that I wasn't able to prepare myself for the inevitable.
My mom once told me that the most painful thing a heart could feel is when the person you've loved and cared for does not love you back anymore. I hope this isn't how it's supposed to feel. I used to be good at words. I can always find the right term to use, the right adjective to describe or the right verb to convey an action. But for the first time, I'm at a loss for what I have to say. I lost all the words. I lost all my thoughts. And the lump in my throat and the sting in my eye make the whole thing worse.
Letting go of someone you really love is so hard but letting him go is better than making him stay knowing he doesn't love you anymore. If the feeling is gone; if there ever was a feeling, then there would be no use for me to go on and prolong this misery. Yes, it would be excruciating. Yes, it would be difficult. But don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll pick up the pieces of what would be the remains of my heart. Just leave them be where you’d break them.
