Sige, umulan ka.

Sa lubos mang sigla't kasiyahan.
Sa lugmok mang kapighatian.
Huwag hawiin ang lilim ng mga alapaap.
Hayaan mong ang bawat patak ay aking malasap.
At ang bawat hampas ng hangin,
Ay siyang udyok ng aking damdamin.
At ang bawat sigaw ng kidlat,
Ay siyang boses kong salat.

Sige, umulan ka.
At huwag na munang tumila.
Hayaan mong maging bingi ang aking mga tainga.
Hayaan mong maging manhid ang aking pagkalinga.
At sa agos ng tubig mo'y ako'y tumatalima.
Hanggang sa ang sukdula'y tanaw ko na.
Bahagharing kay ilap.
At araw na salukbong ang mga ulap.

Sige, umulan ka.
Sige, umulan ka.

Hamartia

“Endless are the possibilities of man.” A callow optimist would fanatically declare. But a stray bullet or an insidious deception could mark such an assertion, a fallacy. What is then eternal may become finite; limited. And so I dare ask; is there really infinity to man’s possible greatness?

An explosion of a star or a collision of wandering rocks could ruin us to oblivion. A single shattered dream, or a broken heart, or a villainous idea could pulverize us to nothingness. Soon enough, no one will bear witness to us all. Not even the putrid silence of death will be forgiving. If so, then all our mortal efforts would soon be for naught. For at the end of the road, the cosmos will never bother to remember nor commemorate man’s exhaustive exertion to be the very definition of prominence.

The absurdity of our ambitious labors to bring forth and make use of a highly digitized and yet mindless arsenal to preserve our heritage is a hoax worth a sarcastic appraisal. Is it really our legacy we so fought hard to conserve? Or is it just the mere bacchanalia of vanity and intellectual arrogance we want to show off?

It is nothing but repulsive when one reviles the obsolete qualities of the past. The contemporaneity of time abominates the best repertoires of history. It annihilates the inter-relatedness of what was then- to what is now- to what will be.

We will never learn.

We obsessively believe that because we are here now in a date and time that surpassed yesterday, we are better than all of the years before combined. True. We are better than what was used to. But in time, we will just be a part of that yesterday we so lovingly despised. And all of them will look back at us and say we will never be greater than they are.

It is such a shame that in our futile attempts to emulate greatness, we lose our value in such a goal-less pursuit. It is then safe to say, that it is not our birthright that we want to survive. It is the grandeur of our aggrandizing ego that we want to boast for all eternity. But then again, man’s possibilities are not endless. It is predetermined eons ago by the stars. And our depraved certainty is the vexation of our existence; our sadistic downfall.

Adios 2012!

Looking back at the 364 days that passed, I cannot begin to precisely describe how 2012 has been for me. It's like driving down a fast lane and all those months seemed like a blurry background instead of a scenic panorama. I guess that's the right word for it. Blurry. Maybe it's the want for forgetting hideous memories or the need to erase the frustrating and stagnant moments speaking here in behalf of my unable lips but, God knows how I spent the entire year (almost) at the bottom of the pit feeling blue and all that shit. And for all that I have been through this year, I never thought that I would be able to redeem myself from the crumbled pieces that was left of me.

But despite the haziness, the fuzz and the drama, there are actually a few really good things and exceptionally extraordinary people here and there that made my year quite bearable if not, fascinatingly delightful. And for all of that; I am very grateful for all the answered and unanswered prayers, for the faith that made me endure the lowest low of my life, for the strength that made me stand my ground and for the will to keep fighting for all the things that made me who I am today. And after a year's worth of battle and constant indecisive procrastination, I am still here. Alive. Strong. Brave. Wise. Ready.

Bring it on 2013!

Eureka Moments #3

This one is for Merce.
..because I know what it's like.

Wounds take time to heal. Nurse yourself to wellness. Help yourself to cope. Nobody is going to do that for you.

On The Verge of Goodbye

... And in that moment, he turned his back and walked away. And just like that scene from the movies, a poignantly melancholic music played; barely there but with each note is a huge blow to the fragile facade of calmness and valor. Everything else faded into the blurry background for in that night, there were only two people in the entire universe and the sound of his footsteps echoed through time and space. Nothing else mattered for with each step, inch by inch they drew apart. Until such distance became frighteningly unbearable and the tears long held captive at bay rebelled their way to freedom...

I never saw it coming.

Nothing could have prepared me for the melodrama of that night. Such a scene was way past my imagination. I wish someone could have warned me; someone could have said that it would be so keen and bittersweet. And until that moment, I thought I was ready to see him go.

The last few minutes ticked by so fast that the sudden and hurried gush of time left me tongue-tied and flabbergasted. He might have noticed my hasty retreat to the deafening stillness of the night. But I was glad for his noncommittal silence because the lump in my throat was tearing me apart. I was afraid to utter a single syllable for maybe a hushed whisper would break me into pieces and expose that frightened little spirit.

I made a promise not to weep when the time comes. And in my head, I've rehearsed all the lines that I would tell him just before he leaves. But I was much too weak for the ultimate coup de grace of that night: he was indeed leaving. The realization struck me so hard and the virulence was almost past bearing. The reality was like an overwhelming avalanche and my ineptitude to take hold of my senses took its toll on me.

It’s a shame on me for having to weep like there’s no tomorrow and for soaking his shirt with tears. But the suppressed worries and the miles that would soon separate us clawed ruthlessly at the back of my mind was too much for me to handle. I wish my tears were eloquent enough to let him know of the things that I wanted to tell him. I wish my tears were enough to make him remember and never forget all of yesterday's dreams and tomorrow's promises.

I never knew that it could ever be so tormenting. It was hard to see him leave; even harder to let go of his hands. But I must endure what I have to endure. That is the only way for me to make it through the agonizing days and coldest nights that would come.

... As the taxi slowly gained speed, I continued to look at him even from a distance. Never taking my eyes off him, I whispered a vow I know I would keep.

I will be waiting... patiently, steadfastly waiting.

Eureka Moments #2

http://blingee.com/blingee/view/129561915-Nothing-Lasts-Forever

Nothing lasts forever.

At some point, something or someone is gone for eternity and the grief accompanying the loss is felt with nothing but a defeated resignation.

Face it; accept it with your head held high. For in this loss, you shall gain the strength to heal and the wisdom to live.

Eureka Moments #1

There are no regrets; only lessons learned. Know that in regret, time is wasted. Devout your present in learning from the past so you can make yourself adept for the future.

http://favim.com/image/329054/

Utopia

This one is for my Fifi.

...against all odds.

The past few weeks went by with such a blinding speed that I struggled to keep my head above water and catch my breath. And in this breathless transition, I know I am heading for uncharted waters.

No. On a second thought, this place is too familiar. This known ambiance; the look, the feeling, the scent; I know them like the back of my hand. But somewhere along a fine grid, there is this strange ambiguity. It is beyond me why I feel so foreign and so unorthodox to be here; why I feel so lost when I can see myself heading a definite path.

Maybe it's the staggering potency of guilt that threatens to intoxicate my conscience and poison my being. Maybe it's the fear of being ostracized and stereotyped or perhaps the unwarranted plight to the unconventional that made me doubt my discretion. But no,  I made up my mind and I refuse to neither listen nor give in to the dreadful voices of terror and reason for I know I made the right choice. And although others would say that my decision showed an utter lack; if not; total absence of rational judgement, I am certain of my choice. 

Let them condemn me and scorn me for my avaricious endeavor but this is what I have to say; I would not let anyone deter me or lead me away from something that I know would make me happy. And no matter how wrong or how selfish people would think I am, I am ready to turn my back to the ruthless mockery and shameless hypocrisy of the pretentious and deceiving society I thought I knew. I am ready to inhibit and abandon what is left of me and my pride if it means liberation from the oppressive and misleading bigotry of those who claim to be high and mighty.

Do not let me explain; do not let me justify my choice to go against logical reason and morality for my lips are sealed. I do not expect to be understood. Nothing necessitates an explanation. Sometimes, you do not need to think. All you have to do is just let fate take its course and just go with the flow.

With all honesty, I do not know how and why I got myself in this situation. I do not know how things will be from now on or how they would turn out to be in the end. But to this, I am sure; I am willing to take the risk and the burden that goes with it yet again. I may have fallen hard before, but I've learned my lessons well and now, I am strong enough to make my stand.

People may find this hard to believe and they may look down on me for this; but if it will take a Herculean effort to stand for what I believe in, then I will surpass Zeus's supremacy or I shall die trying. And if I have to be like Atlas and carry the weight of my decision on my own bare shoulders, then be assured that there will be no fragile bone in my body; there will be no room for cowardly weakness. I will not crumble for in his hands, I have strength and in his eyes is where I shall draw my courage.

I am not proud of what I did. It's a shame that I have to resort into doing something so hurtful and horrible. Believe me; I am at a loss for words. I do not know how to begin my apology. My humble words are not enough to express and properly articulate how sorry I am for the pain that I have caused. No one is to be blamed; not even the circumstances. I have only myself to be castigated for what had transpired. I am truly sorry and I deeply regret having to put someone in such an excruciating situation. Know that I never wish for anyone to experience such a terrible misfortune. But everything has been said and done. And as egotistical as it may seem, I do not want to turn back time and undo everything.

They say that there is no happy ending for something that started on a wrong track. Perhaps they are right. But I dare say that even mistakes have redemption. If in the end this will turn out to be hideous and painful, then I guess it's the price I should pay for my defiance and selfishness; a small price I'm willing to pay for such a wonderful decadence, nonetheless. And no matter what the future shall hold, I would like to look back at this exact moment and tell myself that I have finally found the spine to stand up and fight for something so beautiful even if it's not the righteous of things; that I did not walk out on something that is worth taking the risk and the sacrifice. Because I know that turning my back on him is something I do not wish to live with for the rest of my life.

With my head held high, I shall say this with no remorse; I am ready to face the consequences of my actions. I am ready to hold his hand and face the uncertainty of tomorrow. I stand by my words, by my decision, by him, by us. If this makes me the bad person, then so be it. Whatever is wrong with following your heart, I'd rather be wrong and be true to myself than to be right and lie to the rest of the world.

If this is what fate destined me to do; where I am destined to be, then let him be my utopia. Let this be my perfectly flawed world.

An Affair To Remember

In the silence of the night, two lips have met; two bodies have joined.

Two worlds became one.

Two lost souls linked together by time.

For in that moment, what was missing was lost no more.

One look, one touch, one kiss and everything was on fire.

Passion burning logic and reason.

Desire tearing doubts and inhibitions.

Morning will come soon.

It will just be a matter of time.

And with a new day comes the inevitable.

All shall be gone.

All things shall come to an end.

But for this one night; this last night, all the stars will collide and all the heavens will watch in awe for such a splendid sight. 

One look, one touch, one kiss and everything was theirs for the taking.

Every wish was granted.

Every prayer was answered.

If tomorrow shall bring Armageddon and they will be damned; then tonight; even just for tonight, they found the sanctuary of the angels.

A few more minutes and morning light shall shine, a few more minutes before that last goodbye.

Tears refused to be shed as a wide-eyed stranger stared at the vast horizon of the night.

One more look, one more touch, one more kiss.

Hold me close; hold me, my dear.

The end is near.

We will fall apart, I fear.

One last look, one last touch, one last kiss.

Alas! This is the last.

The future seem unclear.

One thing is for certain though.

The end is here and goodbye to you I shall bid with a tear.

I shall weep for the days to come and look back with sordid regret.

I shall keep coming back to that night; that night I will never forget.

The End

The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. 

-Gloria Steinem 

For the first time in my entire existence, I felt really exhausted with everything. I was dead tired of having to stay in just one place. The desperation to leave, to move, to start anew urges me to free myself from everything that I loathed but cowardice held me captive. I was so mad with not having the courage to stand up and move. And I hated myself for allowing this to happen, for allowing myself to be in constant refusal and denial. My angst and frustrations chained me in a limbo. I felt so powerless, so weak and so unable. It’s a waste to see an audacious spirit being trampled and left meek, hesitant and shamed. So, I made a conscious decision of putting my inner voice in solitude for a period of time. For maybe in this silence, I shall find the peace amid the noise, the order amid the chaos.

I never knew, never expected that in this state of blackness, of nothingness, I would find myself. It’s a rewarding, if not, a satisfying endeavor after a journey into that colossal oblivion. I now have the answer; the missing piece to the puzzle. The reason why I was stuck in stagnant waters is that I never knew I was missing in the first place. I guess sometimes you’re too busy giving everything, doing anything that you forget to look after yourself. It’s a shame that I've made up so many excuses, wasted too many chances before I realized that the truth isn't that bad at all. It’s not that I never knew the truth. The truth was right there on my face all along. I was just not ready to acknowledge it, to accept it because honestly, I was too scared. I was too caught up in my world of perfect idealism that I failed to see that the reality sometimes is harsh and brutal. But reality nevertheless, is real. And if it beats you up just to make you see the sense of it all, then I guess this is a blow I deserved.

Swallowing all of these wasn't easy. It took a lot of time and a lot of painstaking effort detaching myself from my comfort zones before I faced the fact that you have to fall before you learn how to stand. The truth indeed has the capability to set us free. We just have to be brave and deal with it. So what if he disappeared on me and that I wasn't even worth a break up? He was just not that into me anymore so, he’s gone. It’s a plain, simple and logical reason. There is nothing that I could have done to stop him from leaving and moving on. There is nothing that could have prevented what is destined to happen. It’s too vehement, too nasty and too horrible but it’s the truth nonetheless. He’s never mine to begin with. He never was and he never will. I’m able digest that bile-like fact now.

I have never really known the meaning of ‘moving on’ up until now. Moving on is when you finally have the courage to look in the mirror and say; you have loved and lost but it’s not about losing love that matters, the most important thing is that you are able to take the risk and still love someone even if the future is uncertain. That makes us, humans, so vulnerable yet so powerful at the same time.

I have lost him short after we said our hellos and long before our goodbyes. But there is no use in lamenting over something lost but was never really mine even from the beginning. I just have to take all the lessons, learn from it and go on. Life still has a lot to offer me. I need not to have a two-way closure because this, in itself is my way of closing things. He will always be a part of me, a part of who I am, a part of my past. He will always be that something wonderful but never came to be. This is now the end. This is how it should be.

Nursing School: Been There, Done That #2

No PUKING Please

If you're planning to take up nursing or any medical related course, heed my warning: Prepare for something GROSS because working in the health care field requires a tough gut. Stool samples, oozing blood and wound abscess are just part of the tip of the iceberg, baby. So if you do not have a brave tummy, then I guess you might want to look at some pictures of gory stuff first. That might somehow give you an I'm-used-to-seeing-that confidence. However; the sad thing is (and let's face it) a picture, no matter how real it may look, can never substitute the real thing. So, the only remedy to this is to experience first-hand the look, the smell and the feel of the gore itself. Don't worry. You're allowed to freak out a little bit if it's you're first time. You'll get used to it in the long run anyway.

As for me, I don't mind blood and gore. My appetite wouldn't care if there's an eviscerated surgical wound in front of me. But what ticks me off is the sound of a suction machine especially if it starts to suck in phlegm. Do not get me wrong here. The sight of phlegm no matter what color or odor it has doesn't bother me at all. But God! When the catheter sucks in that sticky goo and starts to make that awful sound, it's downright disgusting to my ears. It even came to a point before that whenever I hear a loud slurp-like noise, even if it's not the suction machine working, my gag reflex just goes berserk. It's a good thing that I can stop myself from puking whenever I perform such nursing skill; it requires a great of effort, sweat, saliva and tears though. Just don't ask me how I do it. And Alleluia for face masks! Or else, my patient and my patient's relatives would surely see me make that shit-it's-so-fucking-gross-I-can't-help-but-puke face. But I am after all a mere human being. I guess I'm allowed to react that way. LOL.

If only I can wear earplugs whenever I use this, I most definitely WOULD.
http://jsmedsupply.com/respiratory.html

One thing is for sure though; let's keep our reactions to ourselves in times like this one. We do not want to offend the patient or his "bantay", do we?

Nursing School: Been There, Done That

It's a shame that I didn't have the chance to write about my life as a nursing student as it started, happened, progressed and commenced. Was I really that busy? Or was I just one of the many who took the experience for granted and never really realized that being in a nursing school is a four-year endeavor worth the risk? Nevertheless, I believe it is not too late to share what I have been through as a student nurse. Besides, after a year of being officially out of school, I never really realized that it would actually feel good to reminisce those days of immaculate white uniforms and all the things that went with and through it. So here I go..

Nursing School: Been There, Done That #1

Something Smells... BAD!

Whether it be lochia, stool, or gangrene, there will always be that something that leaves an unpleasant stench in a student nurse's nostrils.

 I remember that time when I was on duty at the Delivery Room of this certain hospital when I was a third year nursing student. I don't know if my Olfactory nerve is severely damaged or if the whole area just stinks so bad that even if I got rid of my scrubs and bathed in my body spray after my duty, I can still smell the formidable combined odor of a century-old lochia and a perineum that haven't been washed with soap and water for a millennium.

And here's the thing.

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT BREATHE IN THE STINKING ODOR. Unless of course if it's possible for you hold your breath the entire time you're rendering care to your patient or if you're just so lucky you have colds the entire rotation.

What to do?

Do not forget your face mask!

DEAL WITH IT. It's not your fault it stinks. BUT IT'S NOT THE PATIENT'S FAULT TOO. So, do not ever complain out loud that it smells awful and do not ever say that you can't do anything about it. You can, however; teach your patient good personal hygiene practices or attend to his wounds and lesions (if this is where it stinks). You can also advise patients to adhere to their treatment regimen since some disease conditions are primarily the reason for the ill-smelling body discharges. And DO NOT EVER FORGET TO WEAR YOUR FACE MASK if you do not want to be nauseated by the overwhelmingly foul odor. In instances where the odor still seeps through the barrier of your face mask, you can use two instead of one. But if unfortunately you happen to have only one, then here's what you should do: Pour a small amount of cologne in a handkerchief and carefully place it in between your nose and your face mask. It will add an extra barrier so that stink won't reach your nostrils. Just hide the hankie well underneath the mask because some patients are born with an extra peel of sensitivity and might find this offensive.

That's it for now. Will be writing more soon!

I'm Just Saying

Out of boredom I decided to check my blog. Gosh. It has been a while since I last posted something in here. I suddenly miss venting out my thoughts no matter how silly or nonsense they may seem. But that's the point of blogging, right? It's a chance to tell the world what you think when no one is interested to listen. It doesn't matter if you whine, you rant or you rave. The point is you speak your mind. And here lies my problem.

Most people I know say things out loud specially in the boiling point of their temperament that they forget to think before they speak and I'm no exception. In my case, I write/blog before I consider my choice of words. And before I know it, three things happen: One; I've harmed someone even if it really is not my intention. Two; people seem to think I'm some tactless bitch and three; I make a fool out of myself by saying things that I haven't really given much thought of.

HERE ARE THREE THINGS I WOULD SAY TO THAT: One; I do believe that man by nature is good and that whatever wrongdoing he has done was brought about by factors beyond his control. If he is angered by something and says something bad, I would like to believe that as a conscious being, he does not mean to hurt through his words. It's his anger that clouds his judgement talking there and not him as a person. Two; people can call me tactless and all that shit, but if I feel like ranting, I think I have the right to do so. You would find my posts irrelevant and you would find my thoughts a nuisance in the World Wide Web, but nobody is forcing you to read my blog. You are free to leave my page. And three; if I ever make a fool out of myself by saying things, then so be it. I really don't give a damn what others would think.

BUT THERE IS ONE THING I THINK I SHOULD DO NOW. Since I cannot part with my writing/blogging habit and I can never stop myself from ranting, I think that now is the perfect time for a change in the way that I speak my mind. Change is the only constant thing in this world so, why not go with the flow and adapt some modifications eh?

Thoughts on Father's Day

Dad, I used to be your little girl. I remember those times when you used to cradle me while you're watching the NBA playoffs. I remember those times when kissing you was a habit of mine and would forget that moment when I fell down from that pump boat and plunged into the river one summer getaway we had years ago. I could have drowned if not for your strong arms that encircled my body and lifted me from the water.

But those were the days. Times have changed and growing up was inevitable. We fought a lot. My skirts were too short. I failed my math tests. I talked back. I ignored my curfew hours. Our different perspectives clashed in instances too many to count. Until one day, that awkward silence drew us apart.

Indeed times have changed and growing old is inevitable. But now, as I have come to my adulthood, I have finally seen the meaning behind your frowns and overprotective gestures. I have seen and felt the sacrifices you have to endure so that I could have the kind of life that you didn't get to have in your youth.

Thanks Dad. My humble words are not enough to fully express how lucky and thankful I am for having you. We may not talk a lot. But I know you will always be two steps behind me in every journey I venture.

I'm a big girl now. I'm no longer that little brat with curly hair and chubby cheeks. But hey, I will always be your baby. I love you. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

What I Did A Week Before The Board Exam

I cannot believe that it has almost been a year since that fateful July 2011 Integrated Comprehensive Nursing Licensure Examination. Oh, time indeed flies by so fast. I remember those days when no words could ever describe the hodgepodge of emotions I felt during my "preparation" for that big test. It was like everything was so surreal. The days seemed like mere hours ticking by the clock in an unusually fast paced manner and the only two things I did was stare blankly at the pile of books and notes I know I should have read a long time ago and bit my nails.

For a carefree and happy-go-lucky student that I was back in Nursing school, I was under the impression that the entire four years of my college education was not enough for me to make it through the test unscathed. I was never diligent enough to study and pay attention in lectures and skill demonstrations back then that it made me really worry as to how I would do in the board exam.

As July came near, it seemed to me that no amount of anti-anxiety agents could ever drown my jittery nerves, fidgeting senses and those annoying butterflies in my stomach. Adding to that are those concepts I found alien in nature while everyone around me seemed to know what the hell those were about. Hence, the anxiety and the pressure was so nerve racking that each heartbeat is like a wild rhythm of a drum. So in order for me to keep my sanity before the upcoming exam, I coped up by doing the following things a week before the NLE:

1. I prayed hard. God knows I forgot a lot of shit and that I could never read the entire tome-like volumes of my Medical-Surgical Nursing, Fundamentals of Nursing, Maternal and Child Health, Psychiatric Nursing and Community Health Nursing in just a week. Not to mention all those notes I have amassed all throughout college and those that came from my review classes. I suddenly became the religious and the pious one; bowing my head and closing my eyes for that badly needed miracle on the day of the exam.

2. I crammed. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE READ ALL THOSE BOOK MONTHS BEFORE, EVEN YEARS BEFORE THE BOARD EXAM. But because I'm good at being lazy when it comes to studying, my new-from-the-bookstore-looking-books-that-laid-sleeping-in-my-old-drawer-for-three-years-accumulating-dust were ravaged by my frantic and nervous hands resulting to over highlighted paragraphs and folded/torn pages. (I can't carry the books around so I tore a number of pages that consisted an entire chapter so I could read them on the go.)

3. I attended my Final Coaching review like I'm some fanatic devotee. Because the venues for my review sessions were too far from where I was residing, my attendance record was a little bit shady. And because summer was too tempting, I cut classes. There were days when I was not in the mood to attend classes at all and traveled to other places instead. But during the last week of the review, when my predicament finally sank in on my mind, I decided to be seriously involved with the review sessions thinking it will be my only redemption in the coming Armageddon. (And because a lot of good stuff comes out during these critical days. *wink*)

4. I slept. Like a lot. Going home from the final days of my review classes felt like I was finally going home after a long journey. Yes, I was that exhausted. But my mom always says that to study with a tired mind and a weary body is useless since you're just going to be out of focus. So there, I heeded her advice and slept like a baby.

5. I delighted my appetite with delectable treats. This is stress eating. (LOL)

6. The clinical instructors at the Nursing school that I attended said that we should expect a time-pressured test so it would be better to train ourselves with at least a hundred or so items of practice test a day with an hour limit months before the exam. No, I never did that. Instead, I got those practice test sheets I've had from the review classes and those copies of my finals and midterms exams back in college and scanned through them. I read through the pages and noted those that I do not understand and remember. Most of them had answers anyway and it felt foolish if I'd erase the correct letters and try to answer the tests again. Besides, I'm cramming remember?

7. On the eve of the first day of the exam, my anxiety skyrocketed and my insides were turning upside down. I felt dizzy and I puked everything I ingested for that day. Astonishingly, all those comfort food that I could think of afterwards wielded my rebel of a stomach. I guess that's the reason why they're called comfort food eh?

DISCLAIMER: What I have written here are not tips for those aspiring nurses as to how they could manage go about the hell of a week before the NLE. I know it is going to be a HELL OF A WEEK. Trust me on this one. I have been there and I know how exactly it feels. This was my way of coping up with the pressure and the huge demand of the exam. If you are reading this and you are about to take that life changing examination; do not follow suit. It's not that I did not passed the exam because I did all those shit, (I actually did. God granted me a miracle. HAHA.) but because every individual has a way of coping up with the different demands of life. Know that whatever it is that you are doing and feeling as of this anxiety-filled moment, it is normal. Just stick to your study habit, (If ever you have one. But if you have none, just pray for a miracle like I did.) do not be complacent, give it your best shot and remember that prayer is still the best weapon you can carry before you go to war. Good luck to all those who will be taking the NLE! Ace the test!

Back to Square One

After an almost three-week long hiatus, I am back with an enthusiasm that I think I have never known of before.

I guess the last three weeks were enough to finally put the past to its grave.

Yes, that's right. I'm now ready to move forward and start anew. 

There is no doubt in my mind that what I have been through was definitely a first for me and is certainly on my top list of the toughest things I have encountered in the entire 21 years of my existence. Hell, it was even dreadful than the July Integrated Comprehensive Nursing Licensure Examination horror last year. But then again, although battle-scarred, I managed to survive with not only my principles and sanity intact, but with an extra shield of strength, courage and wisdom.

To fall from a setback and be frustrated by your own stupidity actually has a lot of perks than its negative counterpart. Imagine having to lose 10 lbs in just a week without undergoing that sweaty and tiresome workout. Or that moment when you’re just so exhausted at looking hideous and at feeling overly insecure that you finally craved for a change; to look at your best and to redeem yourself from melancholia. The lessons you've learned from your mistakes will not be negated too as well as the emergence of an updated version of yourself; a better, stronger and wiser upgrade.

I know whatever it is that happened is just the tip of an iceberg in this earthly occupation of mine. There will still be more wretched things that would go my way; a far cry from what I have dealt with in the past. There will still be numerous bumps, bruises, blows and wrong turns to come. One thing is for sure though, quitting is NOT AN OPTION. After all, there will always be a rainbow after the rain right?

Farewell To You

I want you to know that I'm getting by. I want you to know that as time flies by, the wounds are now turning into scars. The first few days were hard and it was definitely a blow that caught me off guard. I was in an adamant refusal that it was the end of the road. To me, it felt like I was a kid again and I'm being deprived of something that I'm already used to having. I was so attached at what short and limited bond that we had that I was beginning to weave a basket full of dreams. It's funny how as I've looked back at what happened; I could now smile bitterly at my own foolishness. I was so busy looking up at the stars and too preoccupied with their beautiful promises that I forgot the stones at my feet. Please do not feel sorry for me. I've had enough of that for myself. It's true, I stumbled and fell; bruises and cuts bled and I can hardly say I'm okay back then. I was mad and frustrated not at you but at what you did. But I think that you should know that I do not blame you for what has transpired. I brought it upon myself without any inhibition and I didn't even care for precautionary measures.

It's been quite a while now; quite a span of time to allow recuperation. I wanted to ask you so many questions and I wanted to yell and nag but I could never bring myself to do such things; fearing that those might estrange us more. I never knew that I could be ever glad for the departing silence we both allow to further the long and distant gap between us. For in this dead air; I have understood quite a handful of ambiguities in life and for that, I could not thank you enough. Do not worry about me and go on; chase your dreams. I will be okay. What happened was just a setback that I haven't anticipated and from this, I have grown and learned a few things. It is still a long road for me and I think I can manage to find my way around.

This might be the last time that you will hear from me. Know that despite all the things said and done, I'm happy that I've had the chance to encounter someone like you. Do not get me wrong; I do not intend to end this with a bitter remark. In fact, I wanted this to be my final adieu to you. The one that we're both entitled to. There was a time when I so desperately seek out the reasons; your reasons as to why things has to end that way, but I failed to see that even now I'm still too weak to face the truth so, I'll be leaving things the way that I think it should be. Reasons are no longer as essential for whatever those could be; I do not think that in my current state, I have the ability to comprehend them. My reluctance to talk to you does not mean I don't care. I do. It's just that I still cannot battle my inner demons. I do not mean to offend you with what seem like an impersonal goodbye; much less a very public array of farewell. I'm sorry that my lack of brevity and courage has brought me down to this. You deserve a lot more. Sadly, I cannot give you that much. But for all that it was and for all that it's worth; for me, it felt real. To me, it was real. Goodbye.

Not Just For The Sake of Writing

I do not fancy being called a writer simply because I believe I am a novice at this craft. I may have written a mishmash of passing thoughts and a jumble of chronicled emotional outbursts but then again, those might not qualify me as a writer. And although there exist a contrast between being a writer and being a blogger somewhere along a fine line; it is however, not a pressing issue for me since I know that the distinction of both is something that I shouldn't be much paying attention to. For both allows the freedom of expression in ways that I see no difference at all. All I could ever precisely comprehend is that words are created base on the need to communicate. A lexicon, a jargon, layman's terms and highfalutin words; all of it generated from the need to deliver a message. A message that does not guarantee understanding and enlightenment for all but nonetheless, a message in itself.

In this world of chaotic and confusing misunderstanding and misinterpretation, words are my peaceful sanctuary; my little piece of heaven. They have become an integral part of my being and my most efficient way of making concrete ideas and tangible feelings. Writing has become my strongest voice in which I can never be dumbfounded. It has become an invaluable compendium of my reflections and realizations in this bizarre way of life. Most of all, writing is a good desolate friend that lets me share the ups and downs of living.

I should have done this before I provided my e-mail address and password to create a Blogspot account. That was a long time ago and I cannot recall why I haven't thought of this back then. Maybe it's the eagerness to start pouring my heart out through an abysmal slew of words or maybe the blabbermouth in me that hindered me to think about giving a forewarning to those who will be coming across this part of the World Wide Web. In the days that passed after the decision to put up my own egocentric online fib, I have written less and less given the demands of school and the struggles of keeping up with the pace of life that made me ignore my solitary companion; writing. It even came to a point where stagnation was crystal clear. And in that stagnant disregard, I lost touch with my inner voice.

Until recently, I have decided to resurrect my blog and seek refuge to the comfort that it once provided me. It felt awkward getting my reigns back and being in-charge again of my wild perspectives. But I'm glad for having to get by just fine. I do not plan to justify my freedom to use writing as my medium to convey and communicate. I'm not even sure if I'm writing for an audience or for posterity's sake or for the mere satisfaction of my need to rant. Hey, I’m not great at this, probably not even close to being fair. But in this eureka moment of mine, what is clear to me now amid my ever constant cluttered mind is that I will blabber about anything and everything. This is what I'm good at. I tittle-tattle and these are my boisterous thoughts.

Thoughts On Mother's Day

My most formidable foe these days is sloth basking in a glow of nothingness. I don't know why for the love of god I feel this obscure laziness these past few days making me stall on something I look forward in doing. Maybe it's the bummer in me saying I have an infinite supply of time to bother making an effort. And so for days, I've procrastinated and delayed my purpose. It's already 7:17 pm on my screen and I'm still uninspired. I've thought ahead of this but the blank, wasted days behind me deprived me of the right things to say. 

7:30 pm. I still have nothing on my mind. I'm getting frustrated now. I feel like I'm going to fail yet again this year. See, I've always wanted to write something about my mom. She may not be perfect but she's entirely the best at least in mine and my sibling's point of view and that should count. It's the only thing that should and other people's opinion of her and her parenting couldn't matter more. I wouldn't care less about how people see her. For me, she's the epitome of all things good. All moms are regardless of their mistakes, flaws and weaknesses. 

7:38 pm. Thank God I'm getting somewhere. I thought about having kids of my own someday. Little ones I could call my own but the trail begins and ends there. As to how I'm going to have kids? I'll think of ways. If no options are available, I'll improvise. Don't get me wrong. I'm not desperate. I'm not in the position to be but, I just don't see myself as a wife. A mom? Absolutely. A wife? I don't think so as of the moment. Why? Well, I don't think this is the time to discuss about it. Anyway, I'm not going to venture on that uncharted lands now. Maybe some other time will do. Perhaps by then I'm finally enlightened. Besides, the spotlight is on my mom and all the moms out there today. It's this time of the year again where prodigal sons and daughters like me remember how special and wonderful those women who braved life and death only for us to breathe and have the best that life could offer. 

8:09 pm. Wow. That previous paragraph took time. But at least I'm halfway there. Going back to my line of thought, I've seen how life is conceived from day one until that aggravating period of bringing forth life on earth. I mean bringing forth literally as I've been in a front row seat of excruciating labor pains and agonizing deliveries a number of times in the past. Not that I've been pregnant but my field of profession gave me VIP access during birthing and mind you; as much as it is amazing to see how life came out of another person's body, it isn't a very appetizing and appealing flick. Not just that. Let's not forget the 9 month-period of mood swings, food cravings, blues and weight gain. 

8:24 pm. No. Things do not end there for a mother. In fact, it's just the beginning of that extraordinary odyssey. You and I would probably not remember those sleepless nights where a wailing infant rattles an entire household because he's hungry or his diaper needs changing. It's also not in our memories how we steered to pull heartbreaking stunts and managed to break mom's favorite porcelain, create a mess out of her makeup and upset her because we just got bumps and bruises from reckless playing. Those times when mama wanted to buy that beautiful shoes or bag but wouldn't because her daughter wanted so much that dress at an unbelievably expensive boutique or that her son would need the extra cash for school would escape our notice too. What we probably would remember are those times when we argue with her just because she said we're too young to party, too immature to date, too messy in our rooms and too childish to earn their trust. Yeah. Those moments will surely be remembered specially those times when we got grounded and those when we got spanked out of our naughtiness and hardheadedness. Those times have been bad and hard on our part and we'd think mommy's being too nosy and too protective that she gets a hold of our freedom with vise grips. Little did we know how it actually hurts nanay too when she hears us talk back, break curfew rules and fall down hard from our mistakes that shouldn't have happened in the first place if only we've listened to her. 

8:45 pm. I have to end this now. It's getting too long and I'm running out of words. The whole point of this is, motherhood isn't an easy task. Others would agree with me on this specially those who've been there and done that. I am no expert and certainly I do not have a firsthand experience but, I would dare say that to be a mother, one needs to have and exert a herculean effort to go about the commitment. Yes. Motherhood is a lifetime commitment and a lasting responsibility. It isn't a benign and monotonous task. It's a conquest of great efforts and sacrifices. My mom's ways maybe esoteric and sometimes misunderstood but when the time comes and it's going to be my turn, I know things will unfold little by little for me and until then, I'll strive hard to be the daughter she's going to be proud of. 

9:05 pm. Seriously. I should end this before I choke on my tears. To you, mom and to all the mothers out there, thank you so much for the selfless and unrelenting love, patience and kindness. I salute you for the everyday sacrifices that you've made just so we could be the best and we could have the best. 

9:23 pm.

I love you Ma.

Quarter-life Ruminations

"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." 

-Cindy Gerard 

I woke up this morning and stared at the ceiling for the longest time. It's a habit I've developed over the years and a habit I just couldn't break. My mind is at its clearest at this time of the day allowing me to think of all sorts of things from random thoughts to nostalgic memories to list of things-to-do for the day. Today; however, was different. As I lay there on my bed with eyes wide open, I suddenly felt a wave of triteness out of nowhere and then like a rocket flying at the speed of light, it hit me. It's been two decades now, two decennia of sharp and blunt mementos of a life lived in flowing waters. Like a floating leaf, I have been going where the currents and tides take me. No compass, no maps, no directions or whatsoever. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or if this will lead me somewhere but as of now, it's just me and the winds and the waves cruising together. 

Oh boy. I'm getting old am I? And dependence is taking its toll on me. I've always thought of myself as someone who can stand the test of time; someone who can stand her ground. Alas! I had it all wrong. Notwithstanding this mask of denial, I have now realized that I have been complacent in relying unto others in almost everything that I do. Almost. Since human basic needs are granted by primitive instincts, these are the only close-ended questions I answer with free will. The rest? I can only say, “Ask them” or “It depends”. I abhor the fact that decisions have to be made in accordance to what others will think and feel about the specific matter. I despise how words are uttered in subtle variations as to not harm or hurt people even if it means covering the grave and harsh truths. I detest how special considerations are done so as to attain the approval of those you've considered the wise even if it means sacrificing your own principles, beliefs and happiness. 

Oh the frivolities of life can sometimes be very sarcastic. It's ironic how when I was young, I wanted to grow up and be an adult in no time to relish that strange kind of freedom and self actualization but now that I can already consider myself one, there is not a single day that I wish I could turn back time and savor the innocence of being a kid again. Time flies by so fast that it seems to me it was just yesterday when I made that silly wish of becoming a grown up in the soonest possible time. Be careful what you wish for. It might just come true. I guess this is the point where a genie would have said; "I hate to say this but, I told you so."

Everything is easy and carefree in the eyes of the young. It's something I wish could have highly regarded when I was kid instead of hurrying to grow old and grow up. Gone are the days of childhood, my childhood. Gone are the days of naïveté and playhouse games, of rhymes and fairy tale endings and it's upsetting how the world is very capable of corrupting the candor and the impeccable outlook of a person who was once a child. Someone should have warned me about how life gets so chaotic and complicated when you have come of age but unfortunately for me, nobody did. Ergo, I wasn't prepared to face the realities of life as I know it. And I continuously tread the waters one slow yet, phlegmatic step at a time for an agitated and hurried stride could send me drowning in the pool of man's selfish endeavors. 

I've grown old but I'm afraid that I am not yet ready to grow up. Something tells me that I still cannot carry the burdens of the responsibilities passed on to me. I fear that my lack of preparedness and hindsight will eventually be the cause of my downfall. I find the uptight and required maturity that comes with age further complicates a simple mathematical equation of 1+1 into an intricate x ² + (a+b)x + AB = (x + a)(x + b) and so why bother? I do not want to worry about the future as much as I wanted to enjoy the present and forget the past for learning from what has transpired could wait for another day. You can call it procrastination but I call it giving a rest from what seem to be a pandemonium and disarray way of life. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I was shunned to this optimistic approach. There is no way for me to turn back now. It isn't scientifically possible. So, I guess my only option now is to go forth and live a life that is expected of me. Whatever it is.