Quarter-life Ruminations

"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." 

-Cindy Gerard 

I woke up this morning and stared at the ceiling for the longest time. It's a habit I've developed over the years and a habit I just couldn't break. My mind is at its clearest at this time of the day allowing me to think of all sorts of things from random thoughts to nostalgic memories to list of things-to-do for the day. Today; however, was different. As I lay there on my bed with eyes wide open, I suddenly felt a wave of triteness out of nowhere and then like a rocket flying at the speed of light, it hit me. It's been two decades now, two decennia of sharp and blunt mementos of a life lived in flowing waters. Like a floating leaf, I have been going where the currents and tides take me. No compass, no maps, no directions or whatsoever. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or if this will lead me somewhere but as of now, it's just me and the winds and the waves cruising together. 

Oh boy. I'm getting old am I? And dependence is taking its toll on me. I've always thought of myself as someone who can stand the test of time; someone who can stand her ground. Alas! I had it all wrong. Notwithstanding this mask of denial, I have now realized that I have been complacent in relying unto others in almost everything that I do. Almost. Since human basic needs are granted by primitive instincts, these are the only close-ended questions I answer with free will. The rest? I can only say, “Ask them” or “It depends”. I abhor the fact that decisions have to be made in accordance to what others will think and feel about the specific matter. I despise how words are uttered in subtle variations as to not harm or hurt people even if it means covering the grave and harsh truths. I detest how special considerations are done so as to attain the approval of those you've considered the wise even if it means sacrificing your own principles, beliefs and happiness. 

Oh the frivolities of life can sometimes be very sarcastic. It's ironic how when I was young, I wanted to grow up and be an adult in no time to relish that strange kind of freedom and self actualization but now that I can already consider myself one, there is not a single day that I wish I could turn back time and savor the innocence of being a kid again. Time flies by so fast that it seems to me it was just yesterday when I made that silly wish of becoming a grown up in the soonest possible time. Be careful what you wish for. It might just come true. I guess this is the point where a genie would have said; "I hate to say this but, I told you so."

Everything is easy and carefree in the eyes of the young. It's something I wish could have highly regarded when I was kid instead of hurrying to grow old and grow up. Gone are the days of childhood, my childhood. Gone are the days of naïveté and playhouse games, of rhymes and fairy tale endings and it's upsetting how the world is very capable of corrupting the candor and the impeccable outlook of a person who was once a child. Someone should have warned me about how life gets so chaotic and complicated when you have come of age but unfortunately for me, nobody did. Ergo, I wasn't prepared to face the realities of life as I know it. And I continuously tread the waters one slow yet, phlegmatic step at a time for an agitated and hurried stride could send me drowning in the pool of man's selfish endeavors. 

I've grown old but I'm afraid that I am not yet ready to grow up. Something tells me that I still cannot carry the burdens of the responsibilities passed on to me. I fear that my lack of preparedness and hindsight will eventually be the cause of my downfall. I find the uptight and required maturity that comes with age further complicates a simple mathematical equation of 1+1 into an intricate x ² + (a+b)x + AB = (x + a)(x + b) and so why bother? I do not want to worry about the future as much as I wanted to enjoy the present and forget the past for learning from what has transpired could wait for another day. You can call it procrastination but I call it giving a rest from what seem to be a pandemonium and disarray way of life. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I was shunned to this optimistic approach. There is no way for me to turn back now. It isn't scientifically possible. So, I guess my only option now is to go forth and live a life that is expected of me. Whatever it is.