The End

The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. 

-Gloria Steinem 

For the first time in my entire existence, I felt really exhausted with everything. I was dead tired of having to stay in just one place. The desperation to leave, to move, to start anew urges me to free myself from everything that I loathed but cowardice held me captive. I was so mad with not having the courage to stand up and move. And I hated myself for allowing this to happen, for allowing myself to be in constant refusal and denial. My angst and frustrations chained me in a limbo. I felt so powerless, so weak and so unable. It’s a waste to see an audacious spirit being trampled and left meek, hesitant and shamed. So, I made a conscious decision of putting my inner voice in solitude for a period of time. For maybe in this silence, I shall find the peace amid the noise, the order amid the chaos.

I never knew, never expected that in this state of blackness, of nothingness, I would find myself. It’s a rewarding, if not, a satisfying endeavor after a journey into that colossal oblivion. I now have the answer; the missing piece to the puzzle. The reason why I was stuck in stagnant waters is that I never knew I was missing in the first place. I guess sometimes you’re too busy giving everything, doing anything that you forget to look after yourself. It’s a shame that I've made up so many excuses, wasted too many chances before I realized that the truth isn't that bad at all. It’s not that I never knew the truth. The truth was right there on my face all along. I was just not ready to acknowledge it, to accept it because honestly, I was too scared. I was too caught up in my world of perfect idealism that I failed to see that the reality sometimes is harsh and brutal. But reality nevertheless, is real. And if it beats you up just to make you see the sense of it all, then I guess this is a blow I deserved.

Swallowing all of these wasn't easy. It took a lot of time and a lot of painstaking effort detaching myself from my comfort zones before I faced the fact that you have to fall before you learn how to stand. The truth indeed has the capability to set us free. We just have to be brave and deal with it. So what if he disappeared on me and that I wasn't even worth a break up? He was just not that into me anymore so, he’s gone. It’s a plain, simple and logical reason. There is nothing that I could have done to stop him from leaving and moving on. There is nothing that could have prevented what is destined to happen. It’s too vehement, too nasty and too horrible but it’s the truth nonetheless. He’s never mine to begin with. He never was and he never will. I’m able digest that bile-like fact now.

I have never really known the meaning of ‘moving on’ up until now. Moving on is when you finally have the courage to look in the mirror and say; you have loved and lost but it’s not about losing love that matters, the most important thing is that you are able to take the risk and still love someone even if the future is uncertain. That makes us, humans, so vulnerable yet so powerful at the same time.

I have lost him short after we said our hellos and long before our goodbyes. But there is no use in lamenting over something lost but was never really mine even from the beginning. I just have to take all the lessons, learn from it and go on. Life still has a lot to offer me. I need not to have a two-way closure because this, in itself is my way of closing things. He will always be a part of me, a part of who I am, a part of my past. He will always be that something wonderful but never came to be. This is now the end. This is how it should be.