I Miss You and It Sucks

I went to bed early in the hopes that I could sleep early tonight. I have been having a hard time sleeping lately that I opted to take antihistamines just so I could drift into that dreamless slumber. But tonight, it isn't the case. For the past three and a half hours, I have been tossing and turning in my bed trying to get that comfortable position. I tried counting my imaginary herd of sheep, I did my night routines twice and I read a book just so I can somehow feel sleepy but to no avail; I am still widely awake.

The ticking of the clock starts to annoy me and the silence of the night is a demon that tempts me to think of you. I refuse to let the thoughts of you enter my mind. You have been plaguing my conscious, subconscious and unconscious being for days and I wanted to take a break. But no matter how I force myself to shut my mind and avoid thinking of you, the memories just keeps banging on the door. And so, I got my laptop, open that hidden folder where I kept photos of you, our archived conversations and the things that we've shared in the last couple of months. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or if it's healthy for me to take a look back at what was once a lovely time. Well, what the hell right? 

So, I opened that folder and looked at some of the photos of you I secretly took. I can't help but smile. You looked silly on some pictures, you looked mad at a couple of snapshots, some were taken when you were caught off guard, a few were taken with you having that rare smile, a handful were taken when you looked gaunt and exhausted and most of the images were taken when you were sleeping. You're not physically attractive but I got to give it to you when you sleep. You look so gentle. It's like seeing a sleeping giant. Formidable when awake but so fragile when asleep. It's that image of you that I would like to remember for the rest of my days. That image of you that made me want to take care of you through thick and thin and through all of your tantrums and foul mood swings.

The next thing I did was read our old conversation threads. After a couple of minutes and a couple of lines, I started to weep. I know it's silly to waste away tears over something which one cannot take back. It's stupid to shed tears over someone you know won't come back either. But I just can't help it. I looked insane while laughing, smiling and crying over some messages. I felt wrecked and hyped at the same time. Crazy right? But oh God! Everything came back to me. The first tinge of admiration, the laughter, the sweet smiles, the thoughtful ways, that first silly fight, the excitement, every single thing that made me so attached to you came back. And I'm reminded of the exact reason why I got out of my shell and gambled against the odds.

What a beautiful way to start something special but what a morose way to put an end to it. It could have been more than what we dreamed of. There could have been more. But the bets are off and I lost it all. I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss you even more as time flies. And it sucks because I know there wouldn't be even a flicker of thought spared for me.