Drop-off

Just as I thought things were going to last and that everything is smooth sailing, I was awoken from what I thought was the reality.

These past few days were really tough on my emotional side. It's been really difficult having to plaster a smile everywhere I go and for everyone I know. The turmoil that is going on inside me is unbearable and it hinders me from having to go on with my life as if nothing happened.

See, I met this guy whom I thought was special not a long time ago. I didn't like him at first and talking to him was just so that I could kill time and boredom. It wasn't really the typical gal likes boy thing. However, as days passed by, I was caught up in something I never consider would happen to me. I am never a fan of love stories or love or anything of that matter. I've seen enough heartbreak, heard enough heartache that I lost my faith and trust with that love thing and decided that I would just play safe. But he was different. He was persistent and consistent. Two things I would really appreciate in a person, two qualities that I would fall for. And that was it! The once cold, insensitive and nonchalant heart gave up its defenses and let him took over.

The first few weeks were lovely. He wanted me to share everything with him, even the most trivial details of my daily routines. At first, it felt awkward and that it was silly for me to tell him every aspect of my life. The deepest, darkest secrets, the most intimate details, the foolish and selfish things, the evil and angelic thoughts, everything, was bared for him. And it wasn't easy since I don't make a habit of opening myself up for strangers like him. I also have a hard time finding confidence in trusting men due to some instances that made me doubt every man's nature and intention. But surprisingly, telling him everything is something I look forward to. He was interested in my rants, my habits, my thoughts that it made me feel special considering the fact that not many men are concerned with the color of my nail polish, the facial wash I use and the body lotion I rub in my skin at night. So, I not only denuded my entire life for him but I gave him a part of me that I couldn't give anyone else. I gave him my heart.

He was what I wanted. He was the kind of person that made me change my ways. He made me believe that things would work out fine and we can make it last. And for the first time, I had faith in love. Yet, things were too good to be true.

I woke up one day and he was gone. I still cannot accept the fact that there will no longer be a "him" in my life. He left me hanging and dropped me off like I'm some witless doll he's grown bored and tired of. It would have hurt less if he could have explained why things fell to pieces. However, there was none. Not even a lie. I don't know what went wrong or if I have done something to upset him or made him feel different. I can't seem to figure out why he has done such a repulsive act of selfishness.

I feel used, ignored and it's so painful that I am to go about living my life again after what happened. Sometimes, when the loneliness is too much for me to handle, I have the urge to call him, beg him for an explanation, and beg him to stay. But my pride tells me I've done so much already. What pains me more is the fact that he seems to be indifferent. He doesn't seem to care for me at all. I was so blind to see that before. I was so wrapped up in his sweet words and charming smiles that I forgot to think and be rational.

Now, I'm left here with nothing but this clawing ache that I feel inside. My every waking moment is spent in wondering how he has been, if he has eaten his lunch or if things are working well at the hospital and my every sleepless night is spent on tears that I wouldn't want anybody to see. I take comfort in over the counter antihistamines to just calm my senses and drift me to that dreamless slumber when the lonesomeness is a lethal poison at any given moment.

I wanted to get mad at him. Loathe him; curse him for what he has done. It was so condescending that sometimes I think I haven't given him the reason to stay. He trampled that part of me that I gave him, broke it into pieces and threw it away. All my efforts were gone to waste. I was a fool for letting him get through my skin. But I can't blame anyone. I brought this upon myself. But no matter how I force myself to feel the angst and be angry at him, there is still this part of me that wanted to love him and wait for him, a small yet strong part of me that wouldn't want to stop this insane wishful thinking that someday he'll come back and he'll stay for good.