Somebody That I Used To Know

Just a few days ago, I decided to write my last piece about the emotional roller coaster that I have been through for a couple of weeks. I promised myself that I wouldn't let what happened bring me down again. I promised myself that I will exhaust all my efforts in trying to forget things and trying to live again. After all, it's all been said and done so what's left for me to do is pick up where he left off and that's one stingy truth I have learned to accept and live with now. Part of that promise is that I wouldn't talk or write about this ill-gotten circumstance of mine so that I won't be able to think about it much and so that I could bury the past six feet under. I didn't expect much since it has just been almost a month since that night, but I'm actually doing good so far after I've made a decision of cutting the strings and letting it all loose. I'm pretty surprised that these past few days weren't an ordeal for me anymore. I can sleep early without having to take antihistamines (I don't have a prescription for sleeping pills), I can go about my daily routines without having to wonder or think about him all the time. I'm slowly trying to function like myself again before him.

So what made me write a blog about something that I vowed not to talk about? Well, my cousin made me listen to a song two nights ago and I was amazed that it perfectly described how I felt. It's like the missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle or Cinderella's missing shoe. A perfect fit. It was so appropriate that I was actually able to relate to it rather well. I tried not to be bothered by it and ignored this obsession of making a blog out of it since I already made up my mind about sealing the past, but the song was stuck inside my head that I find myself singing it all day. My mind is really preoccupied about the song that it came to an extent that writing about it is like an itch that I couldn't ignore. Hence, this entry.

I won't hide the fact that when I first heard the whole song, it brought the same familiar kind of sadness and I was in the brink of tears, but I felt comfort in knowing that somehow someone knows exactly how it feels to be cut off by someone you think was the one. Well, except for the friendship and the changing of the number part (you'll know what I mean after this paragraph) since that never happened to us, but the gist of the song is what hit me big time. So, without further ado, here's Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye featuring Kimbra. I've included the lyrics for those interested and for those who wanted to sing-along.

"Somebody That I Used To Know"

(Gotye feat. Kimbra)

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know


Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know


But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know


Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

Credits to http://www.azlyrics.com for the lyrics.

Iron Fist

She was talking as if I was the only misfit in her life. For a long time now, I am already used to her endless ranting of how I should be the perfect person that she wants me to be. But I just can't be the person that she really wanted and I guess that disappointed her. When I was young, she would tend to compare me to those kids who achieved more than I could; her family tends to do that to "inspire" me to do better; however, it just wouldn't take its desired effect on me. Don't ask me why, it just wouldn't. When I was at the height of my rebellious stage, we used to fight a lot and it’s funny because it would usually start with a nag over cluttered things and curfew violations, too little things to make a big deal out of.

I don’t know how things were back in her time but, judging from the things that she tells and shows me; I like this era more than that of which she was born and raised and I would give up my life (literally) just to stay in my generation for reasons too many to mention. Families like the one that she has still embody the traditions of the "old" world. It isn't really bad once you're used to it and you'll learn a lot form it. I mean, a culture defines a person but I guess traditions and practices should fit into the kind of world that we are into right now. As they say, change is the only constant thing; so why not adapt to the changes that time brings instead of walking backwards? There are a lot of ways on how one should approach the youth of today without hurting, humiliating, provoking or outraging them (that is if you are only patient enough to find creative ways and that is if you'd go out of the box to figure them out). But I guess old habits are hard to break and I just cannot do something about it.

Some say; what you hated when you were a kid will be your practice when you're already a parent. If this is true, then I wouldn't want to become a parent someday. I hated the "Iron Fist" rule that the oldies practice. It imprisons, oppresses and discourages a person. In some instances, it hardens a person's heart, depresses a beautiful spirit, plants revenge, nourishes hatred and changes a personality. However, in most commendable cases; it cultivates a person, refines her virtues and implants principles making her a better individual. But c'mon! The youth of today is different. By that I mean the youth of today has a voice that you should and must hear. It is louder than a boom box and I just couldn't get the reason why you cannot hear it. If you are frustrated to the kind of youngsters that the world has today, it is twice as frustrating to us that you do not use your wisdom and years of experience to understand us! We seem to be a complex mathematical equation at first glance but when you look at it closely, we're just a simple problem you can solve with just a simple addition or subtraction.

What we are now, we owe it to you. So please do not blame us for our flaws and oddities! All of these have something to do with what you have said, shown and did when we were young. What we are now are reflections of your examples. And do you know what we really need? I hope you do but in case you don't, it’s never too late to see the things in our point of view and put your feet in our shoes.

Those That Kept, Keep and Will Keep Me Sane

I'll start things off by telling a random fact about myself.  I do not have a best friend (shocker? nah....). It's not because no one wanted to be one (maybe yes, maybe no) but because I chose not to have one. I have this idealism that if I have one, I'd be partially bias as a friend. There would be a ''favored" one among the bunch and because I was born under the zodiac sign Libra, I always strive for balance. It's no paper weight task but I want things fair. One might argue with me because of this piece of thought and I have one and only one thing to tell whomever it would be, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I can never understand how they could tolerate my nasty and bitchy persona.

When the road is rough and the going is tough, there are those that kept me from slipping into insanity. I owe these people for a lot of reasons and despite my ugly flaws, mood swings, foul mouth and everything in between, they've always been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, a joke to laugh about and a thought to ponder on. The silence isn't awkward when I am with these folks and for every silent moment I am with them, it feels like it's the best intellectual and heart-felt conversation I had in a long time. You don't get to choose your friends. They're created the way they are so they could do your shitty attitude good. For that, I am truly grateful for having been blessed with the right people to keep me off the bad tracks and this is my way of saying thanks for keeping my sanity intact and for just being there. I really do appreciate even the little efforts they've done for me. That goes too for those whom I could count on anytime and anywhere and those who've made the wrong and haste choice of making friends with me (LOL).

A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.

A friend is one who knows and loves you just the same
- Elbert Hubbard

And I guess every thanks is accompanied with a sorry so, I'll take this opportunity to apologize for every mean word or act that I said and did not only for the faces that I've placed in this blog but for all those who've considered me as a friend and for all those I've hurt and ignored. I won't deny the fact that there really are those times that dealing with someone like me is arduous, burdensome and extremely exhausting. I am also deeply sorry for those times that I have been insensitive and callous. Of course, I shall be grabbing this chance to warn you guys that it's still is a long way for us so if ever I become so delinquent and evil in the near future, I'm sorry.

We may not be the best palls before but thanks for putting up with me now. 

I remember someone told me I don't have friends (the real kind) because of my "attitude problem".  I don't know about her but at that moment, I can remember perfectly those faces that have been with me all these years. Take a heed when I say that it's hard being friends with someone like me; go ask these people. Yes, I can be very bossy and demanding and bitchy at times and yes, my honesty is sometimes masked with sarcasm and rudeness but what amazes me is the fact that despite all the mentioned ill traits of mine, there are still those that stood by me through thick and thin. And no matter how pestered they are about my temperaments and tantrums, they still manage to stretch that fine line of patience an extra mile for me. If they aren't "friends", then what could they be?

But friendship is a breathing rose, with sweets in every fold.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

If you ask anyone in my family about my deepest, darkest secrets; perhaps they could never tell you one. I tend to be very secretive and private when it comes to things that I am not comfortable discussing. But whenever I'm with these people, my life is an open book. I can never keep a secret of mine. They know me too well to tell whether I'm down, I'm ecstatic, or if I'm having my monthly period. My true colors are exposed and the most private of my thoughts echoes in their ears. That's how confident I am in giving them my trust in as much as it is difficult for me to place that same confidence in men and strangers. Surprisingly; instead of shunning me away, they've accepted me just the way that I am. They're brutal honesty keeps my feet on the ground and when we have those serious talks, I find the world finally making sense to me.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus

Birds of the same feathers are the same birds right?

Some say that I'm being complacent when it comes to my friends. Well, I guess it's just the way that I am with those that I consider my "sistahs and brothas from another motha" (trying really hard with the African-American slang) and maybe that's one of the reasons why some people would take advantage of my gullible and naive moments aside from the fact that well, I have quite a glitch in my personality. But so far, none of them failed me (as far as I know). And if ever they did or if they ever will, know that I might get mad (as in really mad) and I might say or do hurtful things but there will always be a room for a talk and a resolution in coming clean (if you know what I mean). And since this thought is heading down the "fight" line, I think it's safe to say that it's normal for friends to have a little of those cat fights and battle scenes. I mean, it makes the whole friendship thing work and last. The fights are definitely worth it. It's risky but it's the only thing that makes you realize how worthy the other person is to you and it makes you feel how important he or she is to your existence (that is if you've really treated each other like real friends do but if not, then it's definitely a waste of time, effort and all that shit).

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls bloom.
- Marcel Proust

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The bottom line is that finding a person or a clique that gets you is hard. It's even harder to make the ties and the bond grow stronger as the years go by especially when you've gone separate ways. Relating and understanding each personality is as chaotic as an urban jungle. But as I journeyed through the course of life, John Donne was right. "No man is an island by itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.." Somehow, there will always be a link between people. A link that knocks upon locked doors and intimidating facades. There are no alpha males or females for there will always be that extra  hand willing to reach out and pull you in the right place where being you is perfect and belonging is without any pressure. Therefore, true friends, no matter how hard you've searched the entire universe for one; is worth keeping. Keep them close, cherish them and hold them dear.

Bittersweet Misery

Falling in love is the easiest thing, staying in love is hard but letting go is perhaps the hardest. 

Fuck that shit. 

Okay. So, here I am dead tired of ranting and bashing around about how some asshole dumped me for a reason I think only jerks like him could ever think of. Finally, I'm done feeling sorry and feeling awful for what happened. I guess that's just the way it is eh? At some point in life, shit like this happens. SHIT HAPPENS. 

I've said this before and I'm going to say this again for re-emphasis. It's been really tough for me, really, really tough. This crazy shit is so fucked up that I can barely live my "normal" life. It's always him. If I see or hear or feel something, I'm always reminded of how I fell head over heels over some shady and I'm getting sick of it. I'm sick of always having to choke on my tears at night. I'm sick of biting my lips just so I can't say out loud that I miss him. I'm tired of having to find myself thinking, worrying, mooning over him. 

So now, I guess this is the phase where every woman has the right to be having an emotional outburst after the so-called break up or in my case, the drop-off. It's the perfect time to feel the bitterness and the angst towards the male species. It's this part of the relationSHIT; I mean relationship cycle where animosity, asperity and acrimony are wrapped up in a ball of fury aimed towards the male population. (Sorry guys) I won't elaborate more on that since I know that everyone (men and women, well women in general) has had their own share of experiences when one just can't let go, get over and get going and because I'm doing this on the fly. It's this time when you just cannot help but generalizing your judgment among men and the knot of pessimism towards them and towards intimate relationships with them keeps your drive to move on and deal with life. You are even intolerant of their antics, sweet talks and romantic gestures. The lines, "Been there, done that." and "I've heard that before." are commonly said to drive away men who by this time would do anything to take advantage; I mean, "rescue" a damsel in distress or at least that's how some ladies would put it. As for me? I'd rather say, "FUCK OFF YOU SON OF A BITCH!" (With conviction of course) Now, that will have a nice ring to it. One could really feel the distaste and the exasperation. 

I should have known. I knew better but I wasn't using my neurons. And as to how I succumb into this idiosyncrasy? I wish I could tell you how but at the moment, my mind's been really a messy piece of crap. I was right. You see, most men just do the talking. (MOST) The empty and shallow but flowery words that come out of their mouths are carefully crafted into luring a woman into the pit of devastation. They're great actors too. They’re too good to be true pretenders. They would start off nice and smooth, pretend they're madly in love with you, put their best fucking foot forward all the time but at the end of that long run, they'd eventually get bored and they'll just dump you in a dumpster after they're done with you like you're some trash. And because SOME men are by nature closely related to pigs, expect that they'd piss and shit on you before they drop you off that garbage bin. As if those weren't enough, they're sly liars too that even CIA's lie interrogation is no match to their insidious deceit. Wake up! There is no prince charming. They're all one and the same. Dickheads. 

Pardon my cynicism and my rude and derogatory words, but I guess my belligerence, brackishness and distrust among men is justified. After all, what I have been through and the men I have met and dealt with are my only concrete basis for me to say these things. But I guess the only delightful thing you get from this god-forsaken circumstance is the fact that as days goes by, the hurt and the bitterness make you stronger. You aren't the person you used to know. You'd learn how to stand after that great fall and that's something no one can take away from you. And what's more is that somehow, no matter how you make yourself believe that there is no redemption for men, there is still this unwavering anticipation that there is someone out there who's bound to change your mind. Ain't that a saccharine consolation? 

I Miss You and It Sucks

I went to bed early in the hopes that I could sleep early tonight. I have been having a hard time sleeping lately that I opted to take antihistamines just so I could drift into that dreamless slumber. But tonight, it isn't the case. For the past three and a half hours, I have been tossing and turning in my bed trying to get that comfortable position. I tried counting my imaginary herd of sheep, I did my night routines twice and I read a book just so I can somehow feel sleepy but to no avail; I am still widely awake.

The ticking of the clock starts to annoy me and the silence of the night is a demon that tempts me to think of you. I refuse to let the thoughts of you enter my mind. You have been plaguing my conscious, subconscious and unconscious being for days and I wanted to take a break. But no matter how I force myself to shut my mind and avoid thinking of you, the memories just keeps banging on the door. And so, I got my laptop, open that hidden folder where I kept photos of you, our archived conversations and the things that we've shared in the last couple of months. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or if it's healthy for me to take a look back at what was once a lovely time. Well, what the hell right? 

So, I opened that folder and looked at some of the photos of you I secretly took. I can't help but smile. You looked silly on some pictures, you looked mad at a couple of snapshots, some were taken when you were caught off guard, a few were taken with you having that rare smile, a handful were taken when you looked gaunt and exhausted and most of the images were taken when you were sleeping. You're not physically attractive but I got to give it to you when you sleep. You look so gentle. It's like seeing a sleeping giant. Formidable when awake but so fragile when asleep. It's that image of you that I would like to remember for the rest of my days. That image of you that made me want to take care of you through thick and thin and through all of your tantrums and foul mood swings.

The next thing I did was read our old conversation threads. After a couple of minutes and a couple of lines, I started to weep. I know it's silly to waste away tears over something which one cannot take back. It's stupid to shed tears over someone you know won't come back either. But I just can't help it. I looked insane while laughing, smiling and crying over some messages. I felt wrecked and hyped at the same time. Crazy right? But oh God! Everything came back to me. The first tinge of admiration, the laughter, the sweet smiles, the thoughtful ways, that first silly fight, the excitement, every single thing that made me so attached to you came back. And I'm reminded of the exact reason why I got out of my shell and gambled against the odds.

What a beautiful way to start something special but what a morose way to put an end to it. It could have been more than what we dreamed of. There could have been more. But the bets are off and I lost it all. I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss you even more as time flies. And it sucks because I know there wouldn't be even a flicker of thought spared for me.

Drop-off

Just as I thought things were going to last and that everything is smooth sailing, I was awoken from what I thought was the reality.

These past few days were really tough on my emotional side. It's been really difficult having to plaster a smile everywhere I go and for everyone I know. The turmoil that is going on inside me is unbearable and it hinders me from having to go on with my life as if nothing happened.

See, I met this guy whom I thought was special not a long time ago. I didn't like him at first and talking to him was just so that I could kill time and boredom. It wasn't really the typical gal likes boy thing. However, as days passed by, I was caught up in something I never consider would happen to me. I am never a fan of love stories or love or anything of that matter. I've seen enough heartbreak, heard enough heartache that I lost my faith and trust with that love thing and decided that I would just play safe. But he was different. He was persistent and consistent. Two things I would really appreciate in a person, two qualities that I would fall for. And that was it! The once cold, insensitive and nonchalant heart gave up its defenses and let him took over.

The first few weeks were lovely. He wanted me to share everything with him, even the most trivial details of my daily routines. At first, it felt awkward and that it was silly for me to tell him every aspect of my life. The deepest, darkest secrets, the most intimate details, the foolish and selfish things, the evil and angelic thoughts, everything, was bared for him. And it wasn't easy since I don't make a habit of opening myself up for strangers like him. I also have a hard time finding confidence in trusting men due to some instances that made me doubt every man's nature and intention. But surprisingly, telling him everything is something I look forward to. He was interested in my rants, my habits, my thoughts that it made me feel special considering the fact that not many men are concerned with the color of my nail polish, the facial wash I use and the body lotion I rub in my skin at night. So, I not only denuded my entire life for him but I gave him a part of me that I couldn't give anyone else. I gave him my heart.

He was what I wanted. He was the kind of person that made me change my ways. He made me believe that things would work out fine and we can make it last. And for the first time, I had faith in love. Yet, things were too good to be true.

I woke up one day and he was gone. I still cannot accept the fact that there will no longer be a "him" in my life. He left me hanging and dropped me off like I'm some witless doll he's grown bored and tired of. It would have hurt less if he could have explained why things fell to pieces. However, there was none. Not even a lie. I don't know what went wrong or if I have done something to upset him or made him feel different. I can't seem to figure out why he has done such a repulsive act of selfishness.

I feel used, ignored and it's so painful that I am to go about living my life again after what happened. Sometimes, when the loneliness is too much for me to handle, I have the urge to call him, beg him for an explanation, and beg him to stay. But my pride tells me I've done so much already. What pains me more is the fact that he seems to be indifferent. He doesn't seem to care for me at all. I was so blind to see that before. I was so wrapped up in his sweet words and charming smiles that I forgot to think and be rational.

Now, I'm left here with nothing but this clawing ache that I feel inside. My every waking moment is spent in wondering how he has been, if he has eaten his lunch or if things are working well at the hospital and my every sleepless night is spent on tears that I wouldn't want anybody to see. I take comfort in over the counter antihistamines to just calm my senses and drift me to that dreamless slumber when the lonesomeness is a lethal poison at any given moment.

I wanted to get mad at him. Loathe him; curse him for what he has done. It was so condescending that sometimes I think I haven't given him the reason to stay. He trampled that part of me that I gave him, broke it into pieces and threw it away. All my efforts were gone to waste. I was a fool for letting him get through my skin. But I can't blame anyone. I brought this upon myself. But no matter how I force myself to feel the angst and be angry at him, there is still this part of me that wanted to love him and wait for him, a small yet strong part of me that wouldn't want to stop this insane wishful thinking that someday he'll come back and he'll stay for good.