When I was 12, I met someone in a place where my pals and I used to hang out. He was four years older my age that time and was going to a college nearby. I still blush whenever I remember that day. My heart still beats like a wild drum in an African ritual. He was the first guy I met outside school, outside the confinement of my house, outside the circle of my family and friends. I don’t know about first love but if it means flushing of the skin, tachycardia, tachypnea, diaphoresis, sudden elation of mood, apraxia, aphasia when he’s around and the use of fantasy as a means of adaptive mechanism when he’s not then maybe it is first love.
I remember those times when I intentionally pass by, if not, schedule another “friends hang-out sessions” in the same spot where I met him so I get to have a glimpse of him. And whenever my parents and I go to mass, I glance left and right, front and back to catch a sight of him. When I don’t get to see him, I ended up having a sad face and a bad day. Its funny is it not? I didn’t know that I was so obvious in my childish affection back then.
But just like any other first loves all over the world and in different generations, I had my first heart break. I didn’t know what happened but after those times when see each other and have our friendly talks, he disappeared. It’s like I woke up from a very beautiful dream. Then one day we saw each other, little that I know that it was the last time that I’ll get to talk to him. And just was my luck that day. I wasn’t expecting the “I have a girlfriend” statement from him that it hit me like a Hiroshima bombing incident. I remember the gloomy feeling upon hearing that she’s pretty and nice and that he really liked her a lot plus she was his age which means they relate to each other rather well.
From then on, we never saw each other. Or maybe it was me isolating myself from the feeling of my first heartbreak that I never glance around anymore or hang out with friends in that place where I met him. I used to say; “I don’t want to talk about him” whenever my friends brought his memory in a conversation. Was it really traumatic to my being that I got to suppress a conscious thought? I actually don’t know.
Years have gone by so fast that it is almost 8 years already. Looking back, I could not help myself from smiling whenever I remember my silliness and my childhood admiration to a certain person whom I thought was the “one”. I wasn’t expecting to meet see him again 2 years ago. But who knew that I was going to bumped into his sister who at that time got my number and gave it to his brother. That’s how I get to see him again after years. It surprised me that upon seeing him it was all coming back to me! The feeling, the “physical symptoms”!
And then I told myself; “Run and hide! You’re not going to be dumped this time!”
That’s how I ended up typing these words. That’s how I ended up making a mess with a lot of things in my life. That’s how I ended up asking a question I guess will be left unanswered.
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