Metamorphosis: A Wish Ungranted

I read a former classmate's note and I was happy to know of her transformation. After reading her note, I searched the corners of my heart for the same transformation that I wanted for myself.

Unfortunately, what I found was just a vast, empty, cold, dark void.

I would be liar if I say I'm fine with it and that I'll find what I have been looking for soon. I actually feel disappointed, FRUSTRATED.

They say time heals everything. But I guess time is just an intangible concept inapplicable to my situation.

Its like no matter how I try, I keep coming back to the same old comfort zones that I wanted to get rid for a long time now.

Its like no matter how I try, I keep bringing myself to nostalgic moments.

Its like no matter how I try, I keep coming back to you and your memories.

I am not a coward.

I wanted A CHANGE.

But why can I not bring myself to let go of you and let go of the hopes and dreams that I have gyrated inside my head?

Why can I not bring myself to a 360 degree conversion?

I am like a repulsive, dreadful, hideous caterpillar unfit for a metamorphosis.

So to Intet, I am happy for you.

I do not know if we are on the same boat but nonetheless; I am happy that you finally found the courage to stand for a change.

Missing Half A Smile

I've been really thinking about this for a long time now.

I didn't know things would turn out this way.

It was just nothing but a mere admiration, not meant to grow into something so bittersweet.

Yes, I know you'll never pay attention to someone like me.

Yes, I know you would never take me seriously.

But here I am, blinded by your lies and sweet talk.

Here I am, making myself believe that things between the two of us would sail smoothly.

I've been a fool.

I've been a fool, spinning dreams in my head.

I feel so stupid.

I knew from the start that things are going to be complicated with you.

Yet, I am still hoping that you would give me even the slightest bit of your attention!

How can I get rid of you?

You're like an addictive drug that I can not get enough of.

It's killing me that I have to smile and be happy for you when deep inside my heart I long to be in her place.

It hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry all alone because I have to pretend and hide my sadness in a broken smile.

Its killing me to know that half of that smile is drowned in the pool of my own tears!

How could you not see the jealousy in my eyes when you talk about her?

How could you not feel the pain that I have to endure for you?

How could you be so INSENSITIVE?

Those posts?

Yes, I am referring to you in those posts.

But it's as if you are not aware that it was you to whom I dedicate those shout-outs.

Now I've realized that I can not change you or the way you are.

But one thing is for sure.

I can DEFINITELY change the way I feel for you.

I may be hurting right now but sooner or later, I will rise from this melancholic grave and lift my head up.

And when that time comes I will never be the same old me.

When that time comes, I will never allow you to HURT me.

Where all of this started?

I do not know.

But to this, I am certain.

This bullshit MUST come to an END.

That not-so-happy-ever-after-ENDING starts NOW!